ResolutionsRTK

High Conflict People
(people who blame others for everything and exhaust everyone in the process)

Paul Gretton-Watson
Director
ResolutionsRTK

Signs a high conflict person
is in your midst

The presence of difficult, high impact individuals in the workplace is not a new phenomenon. In consultations to progressive and sophisticated service organisations, it is a theme that often emerges in conversations with HR practitioners and senior line managers,
and has been building momentum in
recent years.

The issue is often expressed as a frustration (sometimes a lament) and refers to a small number of staff (usually one at a time, mercifully) who take up a whole lot of time and energy, with limited traction from what amounts to a great deal of output.

These individuals are often described as having intense personalities and approaches to their work and relationships. They often hold senior roles (sometimes very senior) and seem to get themselves into conflictual dynamics with other staff or impact other staff to the point where working relationships are damaged. Invariably, the scale or degree of impact is reported by individuals who have borne the brunt of the confronting exchanges. Rarely, if ever, does the protagonist recognise their contribution to the dynamic. Instead, they tend to be adamant about the right to behave as they have, and will express incredulity that this is even an issue to discuss or justify.

The challenge of engaging with the high conflict person on the issues of concern

Efforts to provide feedback to the protagonist is often met with outrage and extreme defensiveness, with protestations that they are only doing their job, and often with a rider that they believe they are the only ones doing so. In fact, the conversation can be turned 180 degrees to ‘why hasn’t the organisation recognised their efforts more overtly’, thus turning the whole tide in the conversation back onto the hapless HR Manager or line manager who dared to raise the issue in the first place.

Even very experienced and senior managers, practised in dealing with complex and difficult organisational issues, can feel undone by having to deal with these people. Efforts to be general in providing feedback or protect the identity of the individuals who have expressed concerns are brushed off with rounds of drill questions for which there is no answer that will satisfy their onslaught: ‘Who said that, where did that happen, were there any other witnesses?!’ This then tends to shift to something along the lines of: ‘When did this come to your attention; why didn’t you let me know sooner; why didn’t the person come to me in the first place; don’t you believe me; so whose side are you on anyway?!’ Suddenly, you are rendered as the new target of blame.

As a rule of thumb, these exchanges are invariably delivered with sufficient ferocity that you are left in no doubt why the poor soul who has confided in you didn’t dare raise the concerns directly with the protagonist. In your head, you’re hearing the faint echo of your Year 11 Maths teacher concluding, “QED.” At this point, there is little doubt as to the veracity of the ‘run-over’ staff member’s claims.

High conflict individuals usually demonstrate a pattern of deflection and obfuscation from the real issue (their behaviour and conduct). This can be akin to the magician creating a distraction from what’s really going on, and is fundamentally about a complete lack of recognition of the part they may have played. These individuals will not take responsibility for either the problem in the first place, their role in it, let alone the solution. Furthermore, if you press the point with the HR or line manager, dealing with the matter has often become their number one source of stress and upset. At this stage, the employer’s OH&S risk is growing at an alarming rate.

The need for a different approach – coaching for managers

So, what do you do about these really tough, really exhausting, highly conflictual people?

Back away slowly, or head for the hills? Obviously, withdrawal or avoiding the situation can only be tolerated for so long and at some point you’re compelled to act even if your predecessors have not.

Here at ResolutionsRTK, we are increasingly using an approach advocated by Bill Eddy, a lawyer, mediator and psychotherapist. Eddy describes the above dynamic as a cycle of high conflict thinking that has clearly defined stages:

A mistaken assessment of danger; which invariably leads on to
Behaviour that’s aggressively defensive; to a recommended response to break the cycle by
Showing empathy, attention and respect, whilst setting clear limits on what is and is not acceptable, and the follow on consequences that will result should the behaviour continue.

Of course, having the poise and emotional intelligence to show empathy, attention and respect when what you really want to do is provide the negative feedback and run, isn’t easy and may even feel like you’re condoning the very behaviour that you are seeking to change.

You need to remind yourself of the bigger picture, as your usual intuitive, even logical approach to dealing with similar issues with other ‘reasonable’ people is unlikely to work when dealing with high conflict people. Indeed, Eddy does not recommend giving negative feedback at all, but suggests an alternative approach that delivers the desired outcome without the risk of a major escalation. You need to adjust your approach or risk making the situation worse, with the result of the cross-hairs set firmly on you as the target of blame.

Moving forward

Over the course of our 2010 ezine series, I will outline more tips and suggested approaches for dealing with high conflict people, who you may occasionally have to deal with in your working world. For with some insight and practise, you can increase your confidence and capacity to resolve most situations that arise, no matter how tricky.

If you can’t wait that long, by all means give me a call on 03 9529 6600.